I MADE OUT WITH SCOTT BAIO TODAY

So this morning I spent at least two hours lying in bed watching an unbelievably insane Twitter war explode between Billy Baldwin and she who goes by @MrsScottBaio. Apparently @MrsScottBaio has a problem with Billy for having a problem with Donald Trump hitting on his wife at a party in 1992. And for his problem with Donald Trump in general. (Just a guess.) And probably for Alec Baldwin’s problem with Trump. (Another guess.)

It all started when @MrsScottBaio told Billy he was whining like a “piss ass sissy” for this:

“Piss ass sissy” might be the silliest insult ever, and certainly nowhere near as good as “fat ass,” but OK. Then for some reason @MrsScottBaio brings up the time like, 10 years ago when Alec yelled at his daughter even though it has absolutely nothing to do with Billy Baldwin or anything else. And it all gets worse from there.

Billy calls her “Mrs Chachi” and says he’d be willing to hire her husband as an assistant, presumably because Scott Baio never seems to have work. Unless you count defending Donald Trump work. @MrsScottBaio doesn’t like it and plays the weird elitist card and brags about all her husbands dough. (I admit, I do give her credit for her perfect placement of the name Chachi.)

Then Billy Baldwin responds with a Twitter poll.

I’m dying to know who won, and since the only way to find out is to vote I go with “Dumpster Fire Barbie” even though I’m not sure exactly what it means. Is a dumpster on fire? Or is it a Barbie who’s on fire? The Ann Coulter thing is pretty good, and the “Sandy Hook Mom Attacker” one, which I had to Google and sure enough, it’s fucking horrifying. (Read about it here.) “Chachi Lovin’ Fool” was my second choice, but I felt compelled to go with what I thought might win. Ends up, I was right. “Dumpster Fire Barbie” got the most votes at 38%.

Up until this point Scott Baio is completely silent on the whole thing. I looked at his Twitter. The last thing he posted was a Happy Thanksgiving thing and a condolence messege about David Cassidy dying. And I’m picturing @MrsScottBaio stomping around the house in her Juicy velour tracksuit and her Make America Great Again trucker hat screaming about Billy Baldwin while she’s furiously Tweeting out more self-congratulatory posts about all her money and something about the 2008 show Scott Baio is 46 & Pregnant. But mostly she’s Tweeting about her money, complete with typos and unneccessary abbreviations like “u” and “urs” that no one needs to use now that you have 280 characters.

Billy keeps calling her “Mrs. Chachi.” Technically it would be “Mrs. Arcola,” but that’s OK because “Mrs. Chachi” is way funnier.

Half an hour intio this madness I Tweeted this. I couldn’t help it.

FYI the “weakest burn ever” comment refers to a gif of Donald Trump doing a little dance and @MrsScottBaio saying “Toodles” to Billy Baldwin. Yup. “Toodles.”

Billy Baldwin then responds to @MrsScottBaio by listing her IMDB credits.

@MrsScottBaio gets back at Billy by posting an insanely obnoxious, Sarah Palin-inspired pro-NRA photo of herself holding what looks like an assault rifle in one hand and a skeet shooter in the other. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had a reason to gun anyone or any animal down so I’m not sure about the names.

And now I’m tempted to get creative.

When I was 14 years old I met Scott Baio at a Happy Days taping and he kissed me on the cheek. I think. Maybe I kissed him. It wa a long time ago. So I start thinking of telling @MrsScottBaio I made out with her husband back in the 80’s, or maybe that I even slept with him—which are total lies, but whatever—just to get under her skin even though @MrsScott Baio was probably eight years old at the time. It wouldn’t be too difficult. She already seemed pretty unglued, and judging from the way she was on Scott Baio is 45 & Single (which came a season before Scott Baio is 46 & Pregnant and both of which I totally watched) she also seems like the type who would act like she wouldn’t care but secretly kind of would. Then people would look at my Twitter and see I wrote a book, and they’d all pre-order it, and even though it’s admittedly the total wrong way to go about it at least I’d get a little spike in pre-orders and something great would come out of all this. Yay me for thinking outside the box.

Meanwhile, @MrsScottBaio is retweeting a bunch of insults against Billy, a photo of Stephen Baldwin with Chachi saying  “God Bless the Baldwins!” and another one of her boarding a private jet. Because don’t forget, she’s rich. But the worst one of all, and this is saying a lot, might be the retweet pushing for Roy Moore’s re-election, which would be “the most demoralizing blow for the media since @realDonaldTrump‘s election—so let’s make it happen.”

WOW.

Go Billy Baldwin. Go Alec Baldwin. Go Robert Mueller. Go John McCain. Go Colin Kaepernick. Go Twitter employee who suspended Donald Trump”s account for 11 minutes on your last day. Go guy who’s running the impeachment ads. This is getting ridiculous.

I finally peeled myself away from Twitter to go teach yoga and actually forgot about it for an hour and a half. Best thing I could have done. Without that, I probably would have sat there all day marinating in the horror of it all and this blog would have had a lot more F words in it. Go yoga.

*Monday update: They worked it out!

I guess there’s better stuff to do in life than getting all wound up over Twitter nonsense. And now I feel kind of shitty. But not about what’s going on in this country. #Resist.

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