Browsing Category




    March 29, 2017

    Since the weather’s been getting warmer I’ve seen some very weird bugs flying around inside our house. And they’re everywhere. It’s like we live in the middle of an African rainforest. I’m happy for the spiders and all, because the bugs are constantly getting trapped in their webs and unlike my best friend Jalee I don’t have the heart to do away with them. Jalee is a ruthless spider killer. I’m sure she’ll probably read this and rush right over with a lighter and a can of hairspray.

    So today I noticed one of the flying bugs lying in the kitchen sink. It looked as if it had bonked into the window above and collapsed. Judging from the way its skinny little segmented legs were all bent up, it also looked pretty dead. So I blew on it to see. It lightly and stiffly sailed all the way across the sink and part way up the side. Yup, definitely dead.

    I didn’t think it was a mosquito, mostly because I didn’t think L.A. had mosquitoes. Turns out I was half right. L.A. does have mosquitoes but thanks to Google I figured out this was the common crane fly. The one here looks like it’s on a wall, but it could also be a sink.

    Same bug. Just alive. And luckily “non-biting.”

    What you want to watch out for is the Zika-carrying Asian Tiger Mosquito. The fucking thing looks like it’s half spider. Apparently they make it here inside the used tires we import from Asia. The females are the blood sucking ones and they only mate once—I really don’t know how—and then store the sperm up so they can keep laying eggs their entire three-week life on stagnant water where the larvae feed on bacteria and other gunk.

    Then there’s the Yellow Fever Mosquito. Yellow fever damages your liver and makes you jaundice. Your mouth and eyes bleed. It also causes “kidney failure, hiccups, and delirium.” And multiple organ failure. Going to Africa? Get vaccinated.

    This is a mosquito head. The purple parts are its EYES.

    I don’t know why its skin looks like feathers but I like the mohawk.

    The thing that pokes you and sucks your blood actually has a mild painkiller.

    This one looks like the guy from Cocoon and the commercial for diabetes testing supplies.

    …Who also looks like The Lorax.

    This is a mantis. I have no idea what’s going on here.

    This is a Devil’s Flower Mantis. It stands five inches high.

    Same bug. I couldn’t resist. It’s, like, doing the Karate Kid.

    This one looks like a cross between Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs when he does his penis-tuck dance and the little dinosaur thing that spits on the fat guy in Jurassic Park then kills him. The guy who played Newman on Seinfeld.

    The female Horse Fly looks like it’s wearing Kanye West’s stupid glasses.

    I’ll give you $20 if you can guess what insect this is.

    Hint: It’s the same insect as this.


    Which for some reason reminds me of Queen Amidala from Star Wars. I think it’s those thingies on the side of its head. And they were ants, by the way. The things that crawl on you all the time.

    Next up: Spiders. (Sorry, Jalee.)

  • Life

    The Stranger

    Saturday, 2:30 pm. There’s a dude sitting outside my house in a white Mercedes. He doesn’t appear to be homeless, broken down, casing the neighborhood or waiting for anyone. He’s just sitting there. Some of…

    March 14, 2017
  • Life Life in L.A.

    Adults Ruin Everything

    (…Or make it all better, depending how you look at it.) For Christmas my aunt Judi, knowing how stressed out I’ve been writing this book, got me one of those mugs you color. Because…

    December 27, 2016
  • Life

    I Am Not A Psychopath

    I just found a one question test that reveals whether or not you have the mind of a psychopath. It’s actually a riddle. I’m pretty sure there’s a name for these, but I forget…

    December 17, 2016
  • Life

    Why Kindle Kind Of Rules

    I used to make endless fun of my friend Jalee for owning a Kindle. Kindles were for the lazy. Seriously, how hard is it to get up and go to the book store? Or…

    November 22, 2016
  • Life

    Dear Mr. Vice President-Elect Pence…

    The following is the original version of the post that is now on elephant journal ← Dear Mr. Vice President-Elect Pence, This country is full of bullies, and I, for one, have had enough. First,…

    November 21, 2016
  • Life

    He Touched Me

    Apparently there is a gospel tune out there called “He Touched Me.” Elvis Presley recorded it in 1972. Then a lot of other people thought it would be a good idea to record it.…

    September 3, 2016
  • Life Life in L.A.

    So Shines A Good Deed In A Weary World…

    There is an unusually large, very out-of-place house around the corner from us that Mauro and I refer to as “the boy’s reformatory.” It’s a charmless two story brick house that sits behind wrought…

    August 30, 2016