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How To Be A Proper Trumper (A Handy Guide For MAGAs)

February 13, 2020

Identify as a republican. Worry every Muslim wants to blow you up and every Mexican will rape you. Talk shit about the Clintons. Spew lies.

Be afraid. Fear ISIS, unraked leaves and windmill cancer. Purposely misunderstand what social democrats have to offer. Call them Communists. Easily get away with it because half the people out there don’t really know the difference.

Shove the whole you-can-get-anywhere-with-enough-hard-work American dream thing down every kid’s throat starting at birth, then nonsensically vilify Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for being a bartender-turned-United States Congressperson. What a dumb bitch. Some people really need to go back to where they came from.

Ignore Trump’s obvious and accelerating mental deterioration. Pass his slurring, the dragging of his leg and his unfiltered rhetoric off as stress. “Like” his Tweets, no matter how unhinged, especially the ones in which he calls his political foes “stone cold losers” and “human scum.” Consider his candor “honest” and “refreshing.”

Reject science. Give zero fucks about climate change or how it will affect your children. Declare it to be a hoax, even though chances are you aren’t a climate scientist and have no clue what you’re talking about. Hate anyone who disagrees with you. Hate Greta Thunberg. Taunt her over social media, even though she’s a minor. Conveniently forget how opposed you are to taunting minors over social media.

Science just doesn’t serve the conservative agenda. Case in point: The state legislature of Ohio recently introduced a bill in which doctors would be required to re-implant an ectopic pregnancy into a woman’s uterus or face charges of “abortion murder.” (This is a medically impossible procedure, but whatever.) One sponsor of the bill is Candice Keller, a lawmaker and super cool-sounding person who once blamed mass shootings on, among other things, gay marriage, “drag queen advocates,” athletes who don’t stand for the flag, recreational marijuana users, video games and people who don’t appreciate god.

Plot revenge against your enemies, Alexis Carrington style. Demote well-respected military men and Purple Heart recipients. Then golf.

Sick of hearing the truth from annoying liberals? You can adopt an irrelevant, Hiliary-related blanket retort for everything:

“Trump admitted to sexual assault when he said he likes to grab women by the pussy.”

“Benghazi.”

“Trump colluded with the Russians.”

“Benghazi.”

“Trump uses Sharpies on maps instead of simply admitting he’s wrong about the path of a hurricane and somehow thinks we won’t notice.”

“Benghazi.”

“Kids in cages.”

“Benghazi.”

“Stormy Daniels.”

“Benghazi.”

“Charlottesvile.”

“Benghazi.”

“Covfefe.”

“Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghaziiiiiiii…. also, her emails.”

Complain about Obamacare. Tell everyone how bad it sucks and how no one takes it without understanding Obamacare is actually the subsidy that pays a large part of your existing health insurance and without it you’d pretty much be screwed.

Find creative ways to insult the legacy of Michelle Obama, a Princeton graduate, Harvard educated lawyer and badass human being. Admit you’d rather see a former high-priced hooker and nude model as first lady than a black chick. Wave your Confederate flag. Wear a red MAGA hat. Follow Tomi Lahren and the curly-haired college girl with the AR-10 on Instagram.

Put your three oldest hellspawn in charge of your shady-as-fuck company. Feel like a Corleone. Accuse others of nepotism. Gloss over the irony.

Realize you are unwelcome in both Los Angeles and New York City. Blame Robert De Niro.

Confuse bullying world leaders with leadership.

Support the pointless wall.

Boycott Nike.

Assume anyone who defies Trump is totally lying and likely part of a deep state conspiracy to undermine his presidency. Take refuge in the fact that he is a self-proclaimed stable genius who never, ever lies about anything no matter what the evil media says.

Judge others for stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m taking about people who are getting high on pot, ripping babies out of wombs (not true, FYI) and having gay sex. It’s like they want to end up in hell.

These are trying times. Stick to your guns. It’s up to you to set everyone straight. Now go be best.

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1 Comment

  • Reply Gerry Ellen February 13, 2020 at 5:02 pm

    Holy shit, this needs to go viral prior to November 2020. It’s a testament to everything we DON’T aspire to be as citizens of this awesome country of ours. Wonderful read Anne, thank you for being the voice of us cowards who know this is all true, yet are afraid to say it out loud.

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