New Year’s Eve at Various Times

January 1, 2018


Me: How ya feelin’ baby?

Mauro: I feel like shit.

Drink some juice.

No, it sounds gross.

Then drink some tea.

No, I’m gonna close my eyes.





Mauro: Hey baby, how’s your bath?

Me: It’s awesome.

Look up.

No, because I know you’re going to take my picture.

C’mon, look up.

I know what you’re doing.

OK, fine. Enjoy your bath.

I will. I put epsom salts in it.

Nice. You know what would make it better?

I’m still not looking up.

No, it would be better if you dimmed the lights. And lit a candle.

OK, dim the lights for me and get me a candle.

Here. I’ll even light it for you.

Just don’t put it near the plastic thing. It’ll burn.

It won’t burn.

Yes it will. And it’ll burn the tile.

It’s not going to burn anything.

Yes it will.

No it won’t.

Yes it will.

No it won’t. But I’ll move it for you.

I just don’t want stuff in our new house to burn.

OK, how’s that?

It’s lovely. I’m so relaxed I might slip into a deep sleep and drown right here in the tub.

Wait, it’s ten seconds ’til midnight in New York. 10, 9, 8, 7…







Happy new year east coast!

Woo hoo!




Me (*watching CNN): Where are those people? New Orleans?

Mauro: No, they’re in “Nawlins.”

That’s what I said.

No, you said “New Orleans.”

Oh, I get it. You said “Nawlins.”


They look drunk.

Oh, they’re so drunk.

Look, Don Lemon is about to kiss his boyfriend on CNN. Good for him.

He should say, “This is for you, Donald Trump! And Mike Pence!”

I saw two guys holding hands today in Silverlake. You don’t see that much. It was sweet. People should feel free to do whatever they fucking want.

You’re totally right, baby.



Me: New York looks freezing.

Mauro: And what is Celine Dion talking about.

I don’t know but I feel kind of bad for her. Her husband died.

Look, it’s eleven degrees in New York.

Let’s go to Times Square next year for New Years!

We’ll see. That’s a lot of people. And it’s freezing.



Me: Baby, are you sleeping?

(*Silence. Channel gets changed to “The Breakup.”)

Mauro (*sleepily): Stupid chick flick…



Mauro: Can we put CNN back on now?

Me: OK. Wait—The Exorcist is on.

No, baby.

Fine. But they’re not showing LA on CNN. I don’t know why. I swear Anderson Cooper on some kind of loop.

Yeah. We’ve seen this.

How old do you think Anderson Cooper is?


No way. He has to be older than 50.

He doesn’t look that old.

Wow. I just looked it up. He’s 50.

I told you.

How old do you think Andy Cohen is?


He’s 49.

I’m sorry but he looks way olderr than 49.

So is it 3:00am in New York or is this from before?

I have no idea.

It sounds like Afghanistan outside.

Fireworks. God this neighborhood is loud.

That’s because it’s almost midnight. Have some sparkling cider.

I’m so cold.

Want me to make you some coffee?

No, it might keep me up.

Tea? Something hot?

No, just this. Ready?

(*Together) 3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!

Mauro: And happy anniversary, baby.

Me: Happy anniversary.



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