You may or may not remember this, but we met a few months ago when you were here in L.A. for your talk you did for your book Recovery with Dr Drew, the one you were totally late for. Afterward you signed my book, and I told you I had actually written a book, which I’m sure was just the kind of information you wanted to hear when everyone was supposed to be focused on you and your book, and then you hugged me. Here is the proof:
I made it quite large for you so that A) you could see for sure it’s actually you and not just your head Photoshopped on some other tall guy’s body, and B) you’ll see you should really be more careful when you hold black Sharpies next to those white flouncy shirts you wear. That moment came dangerously close to being a disaster. Not for me, because that jacket is old and already black and I wouldn’t have cared so much, but for you. Also, there’s more black Sharpies in the world, dude. There’s another one right behind you.
So the real reason I’m writing to you is I want you to read my new book Bent: How Yoga Saved My Ass. Technically speaking, I guess I am your “competition,” considering part of mine (*spoiler alert) has to do with alcoholism and every single one of yours has to do with alcoholism, but I’m coming to you with the hope that you’ll put all that aside and be cool. After all, we’re both writers. And we both do yoga. I’ve read all of your books, and you have to admit it’s a fair request that you read mine. It’s called balance. Then you could gush about it with unbridled fervor to your fans on Twitter. And if that’s too much trouble, perhaps we can arrange a “candid” shot of you skipping down one of those super cute London streets you probably live on, excitedly clutching onto it like one might if they had just, for example, just won a much-coveted golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. How awesome would that be?! (I’ll send you some screenshots from the movie. We’ll try and match them. We should keep it authentic.) Or maybe you’d be willing to dress up like Willy himself? Just an idea. I think you’d look smashing in a purple velvet suit and top hat. Then again, I guess Willy Wonka wouldn’t necessarily be very stoked about winning a golden ticket to his own chocolate factory, so the reference wouldn’t really make sense. You’re probably better off dressing like Charlie Bucket, who was poor, so we’ll just get you a red turtleneck and some dockers just like he wore. It’ll have to do. My main concern is the setup, which will entail a fair bit of choreography to ensure the book cover is featured prominently enough to be readable, so to that end I suggest we hire a really good director of photography. In the meantime, practice your skipping.
It’s possible you’ve already read Bent. I called your manager’s office a few weeks ago and talked to a Sophie, who told me to email her the book, which I did, and she would do her best to get it passed on to you. I’ll be checking my Twitter. I’ve tagged you many times on there recently hoping to get your attention, but I guess you’ve been busy promoting your new book and taking care of your little daughter. I have a book to promote too, you know, but that’s OK. Get back to me when you can. But don’t wait too long, because Bent comes out in less than a week. Thanks!
Your Fellow Writer Friend,