Bent: the Book Life

This Post Went Nowhere Near Where I Intended

August 20, 2016

A little over a year ago a very nice woman named Debra found my blog and asked if I wanted to write a book about yoga. Seriously? Yes! I always wanted to write a book!

How hard can it be?

Tori Spelling wrote a book.

Two of those Girls Next Door wrote books. You know, the it’s-not-weird-at-all-that-we’re-in-our-20’s-banging-dating-Hugh-Hefner-who-is-150 girls. Maybe the third one did, I  have no idea.

Bobbie Brown wrote a book. If you don’t know who Bobbie Brown is, all I have to say is “Cherry Pie.” No? “Warrant.” NO? Come on!

Here is the info Amazon gives you about Bobbie Brown’s book, “Dirty Rocker Boys:” An uncensored Hollywood tell-all filled with explicit tales of love, sex, and revenge from the video vixen made famous by Warrant’s rock anthem “Cherry Pie.” I clicked “look inside” but for some reason it’s not working and now I have to buy it.

So I just did.

The first line: Wait what happened? Last week Tommy Lee was my fiance. This week, he’s married. To Pamela Anderson.

This is gonna be good.

Maybe I should change up the first line of “Bent.” Give it some juice. I was never engaged to Tommy Lee, but certainly no one will notice if I do a little fudging of the facts. There’s a lot of cool people who are dead. I could use one of their names, or really anyone’s who has a mugshot. It’ll be my word against theirs, which won’t amount to a hill of beans.

Maybe I… slept with Axl Rose. Yeah. I totally slept with Axl Rose you guys. In fact we were engaged and then he left me for Stephanie Seymour after they made the November Rain video.

And you thought “Bent” was going to be a boring yoga book!

I need to go get my Cathouse shirt out. Again, if you don’t know what The Cathouse was, you have no idea what you missed. I have no idea what I missed either, because I was kind of drunk a lot at The Cathouse and it’s all a blur at this point. Drunk or not, it would be a blur anyway because it’s been 28 YEARS since I hung out there and I defy you to remember anything from 28 years ago. Which was 1988.

According to the internet, in 1988:

A new drug called “crack” appeared (a derivative of cocaine). ←That is word for word.

Stephen Hawking published “A Brief History of Time.”

Former pop singer Sonny Bono was elected mayor of Palm Springs, California.

Rob and Fab, Milli Vanilli’s frontmen didn’t really sing, although they were considered good looking guys who could lip sync rather well. They were also smooth stage dancers. ←Also word for word.

Televangelist Jimmy Swaggert confessed his sins to his congregation. And acted like a total crybaby about it.

“The Last Emperor” won for best picture. Never saw it.

Weird Al Yankovic sang “Fat.”

Andy Gibb died. So did Roy Orbison, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Divine, Heather O’Rourke and John Holmes.

And me? I’m not kidding when I say this, but I just realized the first chapter of “Bent” starts in 1988. Before yoga. Before a lot of things. Stay tuned.

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