A Post Every Day Until I'm Fifty Life

Questions

July 29, 2016

I get emails from something called Quora Digest. I have no idea why. I don’t remember signing up for anything, because I never do sign up for anything unless it’s super amazing, and Quora Digest is kind of so-so.

I think it’s like Siri, but not out loud, and people answer questions as opposed to a computer. So I guess it’s nothing like Siri. Which is stupid, by the way.

Some recent questions and answers:

In terms of popularity, what are the greatest bands of all time?

From 200-2009, Eminem sold the most albums—32 million. The Beatles sold the second most with 30 million. They outsold The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Michael Jackson, Madonna and U2. The Beatles are the hugest band ever. I could have told you that.

What is the most badass life hack?

They say to use one of those bendy plastic tape measures to steal stuff get something that’s stuck in a vending machine. Genius.

If you received a “They are coming for you in 10 minutes” text message from a random number in the middle of the night, what would you do?

Me, I would have Mauro call the number and give them shit for waking me up. By the way, do you know it’s illegal to send a text like it’s from a different number? There’s a life hack. It can be done. And if he calls and they don’t answer, then I would probably sit up and worry because I’d be paranoid. Even though that’s what they want. Who “they” are, I don’t know.

Did Melania Trump’s speechwriters plagiarize Michelle Obama’s speech? If so, why?

Duh. Obviously.

melania-trump-cheating-off-of-michelle-obama-1468988552

What are some rookie mistakes diners make at very high-end restaurants?

Apparently restaurants will list a $250 bottle of champagne next to a $150 bottle. You buy the cheaper one thinking you’re being smart. But that’s the one they want you to buy, you fool. They probably don’t even carry the more expensive one. It’s pretty much just a decoy. Psychology 101.

What does death feel like?

What kind of question is that? Who would know? Jesus. Really, I mean Jesus would know.

What are SEO experts’ top 10 SEO tools for WordPress?

Plugins. They want you to buy a bunch of plugins, which I have and still no one reads this shit. I’m going to type in these words to see if they generate traffic:

Kanya West gay

Game of Thrones secrets

Luke Skywalker daughter

sex

sex tape

Trump sex tape

Trump sucks balls (that one’s just for fun)

How can I print 1 to 100 in C++ without a loop, goto or recursion?

I have no clue what they’re talking about.

If a plane crash is certain, are the passengers informed?

Now there’s a good question. I guess they say “brace for impact.” Which means “don’t panic, but you are about to die.”

If there were an Oscar for “Best Line in a Hollywood Movie,” which line would win it?

My answer: “It was beauty killed the beast.” ~King Kong

What would happen if police loaded their first three shots with rubber bullets?

You might die if you got shot close up. Probably not if you got shot from far away. FYI.

What is a sound effect used commonly in films that is unrealistic?

They say the sound of a sword being drawn. I’ve never drawn a sword, but I believe them.

Have Hollywood actors ever actually had sex in a sex scene without the crew knowing about it?

Doubtful. Have you ever been on a set? I think it would be pretty obvious.

As you can tell these are riveting questions.

If I receive poor service from a waiter/waitress in a restaurant, what’s the best way to show my displeasure?

I was a waitress for years. If you’re not going to tip, there better be a really really really good reason. Not, there was a baby crying next to me. Or my steak was overcooked. Hey, was I not fucking nice enough about it? Then there’s this: no reason. Burn. In. Hell.

I’m unemployed, broke, balding, living with my parents, about to turn 30, friendless, depressed, and miserable. How can I possibly turn it around?

  1. Get a job.
  2. Get paid for that job.
  3. No one cares.
  4. Move out.
  5. Half the planet is older than you. Shut up.
  6. Stop complaing and you will have friends.
  7. Exercise.
  8. Do all of the above.

I am moving to Los Angeles with an employable degree. What’s the best advice for someone moving without a job offer?

Stay home. But don’t be like the guy above.

What are the most mind-blowing facts about airplanes?

How about the fact that THEY FLY.

How do I go about ending a relationship?

If you’re a guy, you’ll just stop calling without another word so whatever. If you’re a girl, you’ll cry and go on and on no matter what anyone says. So I have nothing to say about that one.

Who’s the nicest celebrity you’ve ever met?

Jamie Lee Curtis. Coolest chick ever.

OK, that’s enough procrastinating. I have to write my book.

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