Seriously, What the Hell is Happening Here?

You guys are pissing me off.

So you read my piece on elephantjournal.com, Why Men Are So Dastardly Fetching. I don’t know when men turned into such emotional little bitches, but I have a feeling it has to do with being brainwashed by some of the obnoxious feminists and the deafening voice of the equal rights movement. And now you’re scared of us.

Guys, take it easy. No woman is going to bite your head off for opening their door. Are you that afraid we’re going to go all Thelma and Louise on you?

I know, you’re in a complete tizzy over this. You can’t wait to comment. You think I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about and your balls are collapsing in on themselves as a result of the vibration of the roaring death-rattle for equality. But, before you crucify me and my “sexist claptrap,” think about it:

1. Men, we love you and your manliness. Why this is so shockingly horrible to hear, I’ll never know.

2. There’s nothing wrong with treating a a woman well. Dogs and cats will never be equal creatures. They should act accordingly.

3. It’s just words. Cool it. You’re making yourselves look bad. I bet you roll your eyes at the price of a $4.00 matinee. NOT sexy.

Now, as far as the “retrograde gender enforcement” is concerned, you’d think I wanted to eliminate the right for women to vote, or wanted to overturn Roe vs Wade. Get fucking control of your wits and ask yourself: Why are you so angry that women like their men to be men? Does it invalidate the time and money you’ve spent on moisturizer and mani/pedis? Is it because you’ve worked so hard to go against your instincts, that now you’re pissed you’re being told it’s OK after all to go play poker with the guys and smoke cigars?  If your woman doesn’t understand this, I don’t know what to say. You might as well stay home on a Saturday night and have a marathon of Keeping up With the Kardashians.

I know, you’re just so confused and befuddled, you poor males…

And yet, so many of you went straight to anger and insults, all because I said it’s sweet that Joe DiMaggo sent flowers to Marilyn Monroe’s grave for 20 years after her death.

One reader said he thinks I want to go back to the 1950s because I can’t take the responsibility we women have created for ourselves. Well, Sir, maybe it’s YOU that doesn’t want to work that hard. Are you not strong enough to open that car door for a woman? Are you too broke to afford flowers? Are you a lazy, ignorant type of guy who can’t be bothered with all this nonsense?

Get over yourselves. There’s nothing less manly than a man acting like a fucking infant. Go rent some Steve McQueen movies and figure it out.